Police Want Your Help Finding Accused Thief Who Took 'Large Adult Novelty Item'
Kennewick, WA – The Kennewick Police Department (KPD) generated quite the buzz on social media after they asked the public for help locating a woman accused of stealing a “large adult novelty item” from a local store on Tuesday.
“Kennewick Police Officers are currently investigating a theft that occurred at Castle Megastore,” the department said in the Facebook alert, along with a photo of the accused shoplifter.
“The female pictured allegedly concealed a large adult novelty item on her person and left without paying,” the post read. “If you recognize her please contact non emergency dispatch.”
According to the company’s website, Castle Megastore has provided “trusted and reliable adult sex toys” for the past 30 years.
Police did not specify which “large adult novelty item” the unidentified woman was accused of stealing from the business, and social media users were quick to ask for more information.
“May we all know what it was so we can make sure it isn’t resold on [Facebook] marketplace?” a concerned citizen asked.
“Look for gently used large adult novelty items on Craigslist,” another person suggested.
One user cautioned that the offense might be more serious than a simple misdemeanor.
“At the price of those things it’s gonna be a felony!” he opined.
Another commenter asked why the store employees didn’t try to intercept the newly-monikered “Dildo Bandit” when she walked out of the business.
“They were afraid she was going to use it on them, duhhh,” a safety-conscious commenter pointed out.
“Would you want to be hit with a large dildo?” another user echoed. “Try explaining that to people.”
People noted that the suspect probably would be hard to catch because “she was all lubed up.”
Some Facebook users seemed to understand why the “hard up” woman would steal from the “expensive” store, and offered her alternatives for the future.
“Amazon is the plug!!.....They got vibrators and bullets as low as $5....Something bigger you can get for like $20.... Stock up!” a helpful commenter suggested.
Several people argued that the woman might not have been guilty of anything at all.
“She's just coming and going,” one woman declared. “Gosh guys where do you get off?”
“Maybe she was so excited to get it home that she forgot to pay,” another Facebook user agreed. “You dont know her life KPD! I hope when you find her that you plan to knock first.”
Others wondered what Castle Megastore would choose to do with the evidence if it was ever recovered.
“I don’t think they will want it back,” one person guessed. “She’ll probably get shafted when the law gets ahold of her.”
Several people pointed out that the suspect would likely have “many friends in jail with that trick.”
“Well you know what they say, “Go Big or go HOME,” one person quipped.
“In her case it looks like she did both,” another user replied. “She sure stiffed them.”