Police Plead With Residents To Stop Calling 911 To Ask For Toilet Paper

Tom Gantert

An Oregon police department is asking residents not to call 911 to ask for toilet paper.

Newport, OR – An Oregon police department took to Facebook to make a plea to its residents – Don’t call 911 and ask us for toilet paper.

As the coronavirus pandemic extends, there are toilet paper shortages throughout the country.

“Be resourceful,” the Newport Police Department wrote on Facebook. “Be patient. There is a TP shortage. This too shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper. … You will survive without our assistance.”

The police department did offer alternatives.

“In fact, history offers many other options for you in your time of need if you cannot find a roll of your favorite soft, ultra plush two-ply citrus scented tissue,” the police wrote.

The police then offered a history lesson on alternatives to toilet paper.

They stated that sailors used old rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water.

“Ancient Romans used a sea sponge on a stick, also soaked in salt water. We are a coastal town. We have an abundance of salt water available. Sea shells were also used,” the department said, unlocking the ancient mystery of the 3 shells.

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The police mentioned that Mayans used corn cobs.

“Colonial Americans also used the core of the cob. Farmers not only used corn cobs, but used pages from the Farmers Almanac,” the police wrote.

Then the police pointed out that random reading materials could also save the day.

The Newport police pointed out that may Americans have used the pages from the Sears and Roebuck catalogues in the past.

“The Sears Christmas catalog, four times thicker than the normal catalog, could get a family of three wiped clean from December through Valentine’s Day; or Saint Patrick’s Day if they were frugal,” the police department wrote. “Then, of course, there are always alternatives to toilet paper. Grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting on the holder right now.”

Comments (16)
TXbirdMom
TXbirdMom

You've got to have a sense of humor in these crazy times. Kudos to the officers at the Newport Police Department! 😄

No. 1-11
JBoH
JBoH

I hear that Brillo Pads are still available...

Motor141
Motor141

There’s a few on our site that comes to mind, using 911 for toilet paper...of course. I names mentioned...🤣😂🤣...😳...🤣😂🤣!

Papa Oso
Papa Oso

We still have plenty of political fliers. I'd like most of those people to kiss my a@#.

LynnSB
LynnSB

There’s just no words

Rascal1966
Rascal1966

Typical low IQ people calling 911 for toilet paper!!

policekin
policekin

This is Western Oregon where many liberals thrive. They think socialism is good. Now they have a real taste of it. Once we are a socialist country (read communist) they will have to get used to wiping with dry grass. The good news is that they won't have to wipe very often because there will be very little to eat and pass through.

lindajordan
lindajordan

I know it’s not funny but I busted out laughing! 😂😂😂 It has to be the snowflake liberals. 😂😂😂

Ghost_00000001
Ghost_00000001

Don't forget the Indian's use for the left thumb!

IseeWhereThisIsGoing
IseeWhereThisIsGoing

Please tell me they are joking.... I hope they are, but Oregon's antifa supporters have done stupid stuff before.... so I'm not sure

Gap Filler
Gap Filler

What is the deal, does anyone know why Americans are pooping now more than ever that we're going through so much teepee? Get inventive people! There are all kinds of things you can wipe that butt with; your wife's snotty poodle, (it rinses out!), Kotex napkins, (yep, it's out there), hemorrhoidal wipes, flushable baby wipes, Clorox wipes, napkins, shop towels, lens wipes, anti-bacterial wipes, small sheets of spiral memo pad paper, brown restaurant napkins from Gordons, soft cardboard to mildly scrape, plastic grocery bags cut in fours and then placed in a bucket of bleach water with a lid to be disposed of later, I'll leave you with this one from my days in Vietnam; whenever I went on a mission, I never wore underwear. The reason; if you had to pee or poo, you didn't have the luxury of going alongside the road, or off in the woods. You would go in your pants and let a river or stream clean your pants out for you and clean you as well leaving you rash free. Sounds gross, but it works, trust me.


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